A September day 17 years ago I was diagnosed with Lupus. I finally knew what was wrong with me; why I had been sick and not feeling well for at least the 3 years before. However I didn't have much information on the disease itself and of course this was before the time of Google and WebMD.
Since I am nothing if not resourceful and I worked for a very large physician practice I borrowed their books and journals and read as much as I could. When it was too clinical and I didn't understand what I was reading I hounded the doctors to explain them to me in great detail. I don't like surprises and I like to know what to expect good or bad.
One of the first things I read was the results of a study that people said with Lupus were more likely to be depressed, less likely to be able to hold a job, or have a relationship. That really pissed me off! I kept thinking does this mean I have to quit my job, divorce my husband, and curl up on my bed in the dark now? According to this article; because I have Lupus I had no worth as a person. At the time I was appalled. My experience with Lupus up to that point wasn't that bad and I couldn't even begin to imagine how bad it could get. In time I came to the realization that there may be many of my fellow Lupies that might feel this way. But more importantly I came to understand why they could feel this way.
Having Lupus is hard there is no denying that. The constant pain is very trying and saying it hurts is an understatement. The physical fatigue is almost indescribable and the mental fatigue is much worse. The fact that it can involve all your organs, joints, and blood doesn't make it any easier to deal with and it takes a lot of energy to fight it every day. There are things that happen to me that I can't explain or have no point of reference for. However I continue to fight every single day. It isn't in me to give up or give into anything.
I didn't ask for Lupus (I can't imagine anyone else did either) and I not going to let it take over my life either. I am not any less worthy of having the same happiness or success as anyone else because I have a disease. For me it is about not letting Lupus win. It's been more than 15 years since I read that study and when I think about it; it still bothers me. Now I have a much different experience with Lupus. I've been thru hell and back with this disease and I'm happy to say I am still standing. I'm even happier to say I'm not standing alone; my husband, daughter, friends, and co-workers stand along with me.
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